論壇

What are you crying about? No. Not again. This can』t happen anymore. It has to stop now. They』re gone. I have nothing left but this one empty shell of a body that I』m in. My friends, my family, my friends – all dead because of me. What is wrong with me? This is not how things were supposed to turn out. He should have been happy. He really, truly should have. Instead he was…he wasn』t sure what was worse. His whole world had come crashing down, and there was no way out. So, he did the only thing he could do in the moment, and buried his face in his hands in an attempt to stifle his cries. The tears poured down uncontrollably and he didn』t care whether or not they stained his fingers. But at the same time, it was as though a part of him wanted them to. He deserved to feel miserable for once. No one else would be able to understand how badly his life was crumbling around him. No one would ever be able to see how much everyone was suffering because of him. If he hadn』t made the stupid choice to become an assassin, none of this would have happened. And even if he had, none of it would make any difference now. He had failed, as usual, to live up to the impossible expectations of everyone. All of the people who mattered most to him in the entire world had sacrificed their lives in his attempt to save some fool child a monster. But he』d never be able to make it right. It just wasn』t possible. No amount of apologies would make any difference. He was doomed to be alone forever. His life would continue on without them. Without them, he was nothing. Just like they said. Just like she said. And there it was. There was the last straw. After the pain of losing his parents and the rest of his family, it finally hit him. He was nothing. Absolutely nothing compared to those who had given up everything for him. She wasn』t worth anything either. He』d let them both down in the end. Again and again and again. He should have known better than to believe that he』d ever be loved. Maybe he really was meant to die alone after all. That』s probably what God wanted. To let him suffer through the pain by himself before letting him fall into the abyss of darkness. Because even though he knew that he would not be capable of living without her anymore, at least he still believed in the possibility that he might get another chance, someday, somewhere. It』s why he continued to hope, no matter how hard it got. Even in his darkest moments, he』d cling onto that little glimmer of light. Even when the dark came rushing back to consume everything that made him, he wouldn』t give up hope. He was convinced that somewhere, somehow, there had to be something, anyone, out there to love him. Even if it was just his imagination. She had told him so herself when they were together. He remembered thinking that it was ridiculous. He hadn』t believed in love back then. Or maybe not quite like this. But it didn』t matter anymore. Love didn』t matter, anyway. She was everything to him, but the universe had decided to take her away him, along with his parents and his siblings. He couldn』t allow that to happen. He needed her here with him – not just physically here, but mentally too. As much as he loved her, he needed her more. He loved her enough for two. Enough for her to come running to his bedside every night and hold him close while he cried himself to sleep. More than enough for him to forgive her for leaving. More than enough for him to forgive himself. But that was impossible. Nothing was ever enough for him. Except death. Which would come soon enough, he was sure. Now was just the time to accept his fate. He was already dead. He just wished that it would hurt more. Anything else would just be too damn easy. Too easy to go to hell when all he wanted was just to escape it all. And it would just keep getting easier the longer that went on. Eventually, the pain would overwhelm him completely and he would lose himself to his sorrows. Then he would find peace. At least in that world, the only thing he had to look forward to was pain. At least in that world, he knew that he would always have someone to help him, even when he was hurting. And he couldn』t imagine having to survive alone. How cruel that would be! How horrible! To think that there was no one to be there for him, to help him carry on. He could hardly stand the thought. It made him want to scream and cry even harder. But there was nobody to help him. Nobody that cared. Nobody except her. She cared for him – that was why he had to stay. Why he kept fighting. Why she came to him every night, promising to spend whatever it took to bring him back. Why she stayed alive, knowing what it cost her, trying over and over again to save him the horrors that haunted his dreams. How she kept on coming to him, even though she had a life and people waiting for her. He could see it in her eyes whenever she looked at him. She hated herself for it, but she kept going back to try to make it up to him. To save him his pain. To save them both their pain. It broke his heart. He didn』t know how long she could keep doing it. Didn』t know if she could do it without becoming insane herself. He wanted to tell her not to. Tell her that she should leave. Go back home to her husband and kids and pretend that none of this had ever happened. But he couldn』t. Not when she was doing her best to fix things in his place. Not when he could hear her voice echoing in his head, telling him that he shouldn』t waste his efforts, telling him not to quit. 『If you quit now, then you never start,』 she used to say. Well, now he did. He started the battle all by himself and he ended it alone. With his failure. He was a failure. A loser. A worthless human being who was incapable of loving properly. A person that he didn』t deserve to love anyone at all. Why couldn』t they just leave him alone? Why couldn』t he just die? Why couldn』t he just disappear? Was there really any point in putting up a fight anymore? Couldn』t she see that he was just throwing his life away, wasting precious resources, ruining his chances of survival? She could see that he would eventually die anyway, so why bother trying? Maybe this was all pointless and pointless. Maybe there wasn』t even any point to this anymore. Maybe they were right. If he stopped trying to survive, it was all for nothing. If he didn』t fight to the end, then he』d never get anything out of it. So what was the point of any of this? It just hurt so damn bad. It hurt like nothing else he』d ever felt. The loss was unbearable. It felt like his soul would rip itself apart. He was dying slowly, painfully, but surely nonetheless. There』s no way he』d be able to survive like this. The pain would eat away at him till his very bones dissolved under its claws. He wasn』t strong enough to survive that. He had failed. But at the same time…could he truly be happy when he was hurting all this time? Was he ever happy? Did he ever actually feel alive? Everything he had done was all for nothing. Everyone he loved was lost. They were gone and he was stuck here. What was left of his happiness just amounted to nothing. Nothing except the pain he experienced at the moment that everything around him seemed to stop and the pain in his chest felt like it was being torn open inch by excruciating inch and there was nothing that he could do about it. But there was one thing that he could do; that was to find a way to get rid of it. He didn』t need the pain anymore. He wanted peace. He didn』t want to die, even if that would mean being without it again. He』d rather die than be miserable. And with death, he hoped to get rid of the agony once and for all. He sat down on the floor in front of the small window of the room and stared outside. He wanted the ground to swallow him up, hide him reality, and take everything away that he loved so dearly away him. If that was what it took to free himself his misery, then so be it. He deserved it. All the suffering, the grief that he』d caused everyone around him, all the times that he ruined everyone』s lives. All the years of pain that he』d put everyone through, just because he didn』t want to admit that he was wrong. He deserved all of it. So much more than anyone would ever understand. He was such an asshole. An ungrateful jerk and he regretted the day he was born. He wished he had been killed right away. He wished he』d been born a man instead of a coward. There was something inside of him that just couldn』t be broken and he had never understood it until now. There was only one option left. He was going to commit suicide. If he was already dead then he couldn』t possibly be any worse off. So why did it hurt so goddamn much? Why was it so difficult to breathe? He felt like the air was burning his lungs, suffocating him, squeezing his throat closed. Like he was on fire, like he』d been burned the inside. The pain was so intense that he could barely breathe. He held his head between his hands, trying to ease the terrible pain in his head, trying to stop the tears that streamed down his face, desperately hoping that it would stop. His vision blurred. He couldn』t stand it. He tried to wipe the tears away but they wouldn』t stop falling. Tears. Blood. Everything was red. Everything felt red. Everything ached red. Red. Everything was red. He couldn』t breathe anymore. All he could do was scream. Scream until his mouth and throat were dry and scratchy, screaming until he almost passed out, crying until he screamed until he fell onto the floor. His hands were shaking uncontrollably. He couldn』t move. He couldn』t breathe. He couldn』t think. He couldn』t speak. He couldn』t move.